Victoria, very gently and lovingly, tells Krystal that she grew up a dancer and struggled with her weight and eating disorders for years and that she’s finally happy with her body. It comes when all the queens are sitting around getting ready for the runway, and they two are just coincidentally sitting next to each other. Even Ru is like, “Bitch, she almost beat you last week, so …” Everyone else just gasps and waits for later when they can have a teachable moment. Ru asks why and Krystal says, “Well, she’s just the biggest.” That joke landed harder than a frozen turd falling out of an airplane bathroom at 60,000 feet. The big mistake is saying that Victoria Scone, who is hobbling around on a bum knee after doing a stunt in last week’s lip-sync for the crown, is the biggest threat. It’s more confusing than going to a strip club that has taken over a preschool. Later, when they’re rehearsing, she’s wearing what can only be described as a dance singlet, but it has like a Steve Jobs–style mock turtleneck, and she’s paired this with neon heels and a pair of green monster novelty socks. I want to say it was because she was on last season, so she is technically out of date, but did you clock any of her boy clothes outfits this week? During this scene, she’s wearing a crop top rugby shirt so that we can all see her sparkly bellybutton ring that she got on a boys’ trip to Gran Canaria. River is named as the queen with the worst taste, which makes sense after her first outfit, and Veronica is named out of date.
(Really, if Leslie Jones, the host of Supermarket Sweep in the U.S., and Rylan Clark-Neal, the host in the U.K., had a baby, it would be exactly RuPaul Andre Charles.) In the game, Krystal has to say which of the queens is the biggest threat, has the worst taste, is out of date, and, of course, the trade of the season, which is so obviously Ella that no one is surprised about it except for Scarlett Harlett. She even gets to play Rupermarket Sweep, which they should really make, and I would watch every damn episode of it. As all of the queens enter the workroom, she can’t shut up about her win and the weight of it all. Krystal really turned it out this week, and it was wonderful to behold. She’s just giving us Drag Race Realness instead of anything original.” God, why didn’t any of you tell me to shut up? Huh? Well, now I have to take it all back, stuff it into a Yorkshire Pastie and eat it like it’s Ella Viday’s ass at a bottom’s convention. My apologies to Krystal Versace because I really got her wrong last week.
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